on 2014-08-28 @ 11:53 a.m.
I feel so sick of life right now. Maybe it's because I had too good of a time going back to Texas and in general hanging out with people I love, and now I'm traveling for work, and I haven't pooped this morning, and I am tired.
There are just so many things I feel dissatisfied with. And I hate being a negative nancy. Work is overwhelming even though I know it isn't even that bad. I hate having so many people on my back, and I hate being so unmotivated and disorganized. I don't care about revenue, and I hate feeling like I need to cater to people, and I hate the fact we need them to spend with us.
I hate that I am in Chicago. I want to be in Houston. I hate that nobody in Chicago REALLY cares about me, and I hate that my parents don't get it. I hate that they just want me to have a "secure" future-- no not even just "secure" but BETTER than "secure". I hate that the only way I feel like they'll ever be really happy or satisfied is if I go to business school at Harvard or Stanford or Wharton. I hate that they care about my happiness but don't seem to really care if I am actually happy and I hate that I can't tell them I am unhappy or dissatisfied because then I know I will just get an earful about how I need to change my perspective on life.
I hate that I can't be so hateful in public or I will be afraid I am going against my bubbly, optimistic personality, and I hate that every time I don't smile someone asks me if something is wrong. No, nothing is wrong. Sometimes I just don't want to smile.
I hate how completely selfish and childish I sound and I am, and I hate that I feel this way when there are a billion people out there suffering under oppression due to their gender or the color of their skin or their religious beliefs. I hate that there are people living in pure terror and fear every single second of their lives, and I am here complaining like the little shithead I am.
I hate that I forget about You, and sometimes I can't feel You, and I don't KNOW if I know that you are truly always there and have control over everything. I hate doubts and uncertainty, yet I know that is what makes life so beautiful. I hate that I can only write with this level of cheesiness in Diaryland, and I'm always so afraid of what other people think of me while at the same time caring so little that I am lazy and do little. I hate contradictions, yet I am full of them. I am a hypocrite, and I am seething, and I hate how much junk food I ate yesterday and today. I hate my fat face, and I hate that I'm not doing much to change it, and I hate how much I care about my outer appearance, and I hate how little I do to actually take care of it.
There are so many times I am hating right now, and I really should stop writing this, so I can actually start working and solving these "problems" instead of whining and bitching.
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