on 2013-06-26 @ 3:26 p.m.
I just wrote a very raw e-mail to some of my closest girlfriends, and I want to share it here:
"I'm going to write you girls an update while I'm at work because slacking off just gives me such a thrill, and whenever I'm home I find I'm unable to write this. Anyway, I am really just a mess of emotions regarding so many different aspects of life lately! I've talked to many of you on and off, here and there, so sorry if you've heard these things already. I am going to bucket my thoughts, so it's easier on you to follow along, hopefully, but probably not:
1. Friendship
Lately I have been non-stop thinking about friendship, how my friends have changed over the years, who I'm close to, who I've lost touch with, who I love fervently, who I wish I could spend every waking moment of my life with. My feelings for my friends are so intense these days, similar to that of a crazy crush, it's weird. I LOVE community, especially a community filled with women who are just in love with each other, where there is zero jealousy or any feelings of competition involved, and everyone can be relaxed and wholly accepted for being themselves. I am lacking that really pure community of women here in Chicago, and it makes me want to just pack up my bags and move to Dallas, so I can live in a house with y'all forever and ever, and we can adopt babies and animals and raise the litter together. Wouldn't that be so fun!? We could just live the rest of our lives traveling, laughing, and crying over petty things. We can have the occasional fling to get rid of any sexual frustrations but otherwise, we could just cling onto each other.
I have really been thinking lately that if things with Scott don't work out, I will move back to Texas which leads me to--
2. Graduating
Scott graduated this past weekend, and I feel like it is the end of yet another era for me. Since I've moved to Chicago, I've spent a lot of time hanging out with Scott and Andrew (his roommate, also my friend), and a lot of the time we've spent together feels like a sitcom. With Andrew gone, I know there's a part of Scott that I'll never get to see either because he doesn't get crazy with me in the same way. I just had such good dynamics with them, and it reminded me of being a part of a community that I talked about in my last paragraph. They're also my last link to a "college life" (I know, I've latched onto this longer than most people...), and I'm just so sad that it's all over. Now I know nobody will really miss me if I never visit campus again, and it just feels weird. The other day I thought I recognized this guy on campus, but it turned out to be a total stranger, and I can't help but imagine that campus will be such a foreign place to me now, and I really AM an adult. BLAGGGHHH. I despise that! Why are we forced to grow up!? Why can't we stay in the same stage of life forevvveeerrr... such a childish and lame and cliched thought, I know.
With Scott graduated, I just know I have to have a more serious conversation about where our relationship is going, and I don't want to have that conversation. I am perfectly content dating him and having a grand ole time, but there is the looming uncertainty of his gap year plus his FOUR years at med school. After all that I will be 29/30 years old. Gotta think of my future self, but it's so hard. Even typing about this makes me frustrated and uncomfortable. I'm going to move on.
3. My parents
I'm scared that my parents are leading shitty lives that they don't want. My dad called me the other day crying (for those of you who have heard your parents cry, is it not the most world-shattering sound?), and he kept repeating that it's too late to go back, but he just wants things to be the way they used to be. I am guessing that refers to a regular nuclear family with me, him, and my mom before he had to worry about all his women and babies and what to do with my mom and inability to spend as much time with me as he wants since he's tied down to another family. It just puts me in tremendous pain to witness him breaking down, and there's nothing I can possibly do to make things better. Just thinking about the lives that my parents are leading puts me in mild depression because there is just so little hope, and nobody ended up with the life they thought they would have. And there is just so much REGRET which is incredibly scary because at this age you hear people say all the time that they don't regret anything they've done (even bad choices) because it's making them stronger or better or teaching them this or that, but at a certain stage in your life choices MATTER, and making one wrong choice can ACTUALLY RUIN YOUR LIFE. It is partly melodramatic and partly true. Like, my parents literally cannot ever be together again even if they want to because of the choices they've made in the past few years. LIKE WHAT?!?! NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU THAT THERE ARE MISTAKES YOU CANNOT ERASE.
Unless. and this brings me to my final point
4. Unless you love and believe in the hope that Jesus Christ has already died on the cross for you, and there is always hope in this life no matter what choices you have made, what crappy circumstances you are in. That life really isn't about any of the things that I've been complaining about...
I wish desperately that my parents could see this truth, and that I could see this truth too because lately I cannot. Everything else has been clouding my vision. So I guess from you I would ask that you pray for me, yourselves, Scott, my parents, and whoever, that we can see Jesus, believe what he's done, and feel total liberation.
WOOOWEEE. WHAT a heavy e-mail. Did NOT expect all that to come out, but it did like a tornado because I so dearly miss talking to you. :)
Plenty of love for you all, and a big THANK YOU for putting up with my word vomitry."
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