on 2009-10-11 @ 1:06 a.m.
The moment she started sobbing I felt my heart break into a million little pieces. Everyone always says that, but I really felt it. The shards cutting into my vessels, my muscles, my bones, hurting everything in me. She said it was after I said, "Dui bu qi." Fuck. What am I supposed to do. Thinking every time I go back to see her might be the last time and not being able to go this winter... FUCK. Maybe this is some sort of a test from God.
My dad called right after, hearing I turned into a mess (who wouldn't go crazy after hearing their grandma like that). He apologized to me, told me his heart hurt because I was hurting, told me he was angry but he couldn't tell me the reason for another 10 years, told me he was sad because he couldn't give me everything I wanted.
Goddammit we are an emotional family.
Sometimes I wonder who's luckier: me who grew up with my grandparents and has a link to her grandma so strong and a love so deep it hurts me everyday I'm this far away, or someone like my roommate who left China as a baby, has no emotional ties to her grandma and hasn't gone back in 7 years.
Every deep relationship has its consequences, you get hit harder than anyone else, but you also feel more joy, more wonder at all that is life, all that is kindness, gentleness, faith in each other, loyalty, love, trust...
Ah, but I still can't forget the distant sobbing as she handed the phone to my mom, saying in the background over and over again, "she said dui bu qi and I just couldn't help it..."
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